Home

Advertisement

Customize
About this Journal
Current Month
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031
Dec. 15th, 2009 @ 01:57 pm Back Up On My Feet
Current Location: next to Major who needs to get over the squirrels
Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: moody psych rock
Tags: , , , , ,
Went to therapist - thinks mom is bipolar, can't say I disagree
Went to VESID - want me to become a Medical Assitant but it doesn't start October 2010, hmmm
Went to pdoc - said I could do whatever I want driving/job/school etc.

I talked to some hospitals yesterday. Looks like I could get a full time minimum wage job on an evening or night shift. I just don't think Dad would like going to Utica at 11pm every weekday night in the snow.

So I applied at the Casino for 5 jobs, I feel I might get one. I have cashier experiences, I type fast, am good at computers, have good grades, and love working with the public. I prefer it actually I specified. If it's not with the public I don't want the job really. I'm very 'service' orientated. I do have one thing that could hinder me - my back - I can't stand for more than an hour without a break and I can't lift more than 30lbs comfortably. And no I didn't apply for the same thing my bff did, that would be low. But she did give me the idea to apply at the Casino.

I applied for:

Sales Associate (part time/full time) Essentials or Boutique,
Cashier - full time grave, 8.50/hr, at Emerald's which should be interesting....
Keno Writer - full time, 8.50/hr, sounds cool
Phone Operator - my fav. 9.00/hr but flexible part time, and I get to sit
Spa Receptionist - which doesn't give a pay?, mostly sitting, full time flexible, and hey I could work with my bff

edit: also Cage Cashier - full time $9.87 an hour swing/grave shift,
About this Entry
2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Dec. 7th, 2009 @ 11:33 am What I'm telling my Therapist
Current Mood: indescribable
About food realized I eat cause I'm around my father to cover feelings. Fear, Hurt, Anger, Frustration @ illness, Stress of being @ home with parents, Sadness @ condition, mourning my potential, angry at delays, Bored, need to do something to get me to sleep, lonely. Prayer/Meditation help plus Objectivity.

Anger, and why I'm afraid to express it - I don't like myself when I'm angry, I deny it. I also deny Sadness. I have to be in a good mood or I suppress "bad" emotions. Unacceptable emotions for me. I have such a reservoir of hurt *sadness plus anger and frustration* inside it's hard to not be afraid of it. Not many people know that about me.
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Dec. 5th, 2009 @ 11:57 am Therapy is Sweetie's Brand New Drug
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Psych Rock - the Porpose Song
Birthday ok, ate at a Diner in Lowville. Got Paris Hilton perfume which is very actually understated not pungent. It smells like soap and is very subtle. The bottle is cool though. I also got Tabu and a makeup kit with like 40 different eyeshadows so fun. Not much else good though - oh I got another book by Joyce Meyer but I'm finishing her "Never Give Up" book first before I go on to "Managing Your Emotions". We're also going to the library today in Rome I think.

I went to a Hibachi Grill/Japanese Restaurant SUMO in Utica. It was cool the food was ok - you go there for the show mainly. I had Saki but just a squirt - he squirted it into my mouth. I didn't order anything else to drink though, want to stay healthy. We went to the Casino for dessert.

I'm seeing so many people this week including VESID. I'm also going to all these support groups online/message boards/chats/ and phone meetings.

I'm listening to the song that I made this username about - Riu Chiu. Just the best Christmas song EVER. lol
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Dec. 2nd, 2009 @ 10:18 pm Regional Girl Lyrics - explains my life right now
He wants to be a mover
Yea, he wants to shake it up
I think he's gonna end up pourin' Pepsi in a cup

Probably I'm going to end up not independent and working fast food lol - VESID probably will want me to work in a horrible office job at best.



Eddie, Eddie, good and ready, now you got your chance
Try to keep the little buggers playin' with your pants

Flirting with online guys, most just want a hookup
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Nov. 20th, 2009 @ 06:58 pm Public Entry #1
Current Mood: accomplished
Ok I'm logging everyones IP address that comment on here plus I screen all comments before they're shown and I only allow registered users to post. I think this is the best I can do but if I have any problems I'm not doing this again.

I have a broken ankle right now and am on crutches but it's healing.
I'm looking into working with Children and an AAS in Human Services.
I'm looking for a new church and looking into an Non - Denominational Bible based church in my area.

Doing well and finding many support groups such NAMI and DBSP and Recovery.

I hope to make more friends on here so feel free to ad me.
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Nov. 10th, 2008 @ 10:33 pm SUNY IT



There are 82 full-time faculty members, 73% hold a doctoral or terminal degree.

  • Approximately 1,528 full-time undergraduate students, of which approximately 1,000 are transfer students
  • Approximately 786 part-time undergraduate students
  • Approximately 603 graduate students
  • Student to faculty ratio is 19:1
  • Approximately 16% diversity
my admissions counselor Kimber Haughton












OMG I just went to SUNY IT it was great! I loved it because it took all my credits <3 but the dorms are like 15mins from class :( ! Long way in cold weather and it's a hill which is bad in ice. And they have bridges that are bad in ice so bummer but anyway it looks modern.

They said of course they'd admit me and they really want me to go there. They have some cool scholarships but I'd have to be full time and probably live on campus which I'm not ready for now but hopefully will be soon. Very modern lotsa computers of course, all my credits because of electives, and very helpful people at least in admissions. 19:1 campus ratio of students to profs and 3:1 for guys to girls - all good things :D
More than 2,800 full- and part-time students attend SUNYIT




Full Time

Part Time
New York State Resident
$2,175
per semester

$181
per credit hour
Out-Of-State Resident/
International
$5,305
per semester

$442
per credit hour
Comprehensive Student Fee
(College Fee, Student Activity Fee, Intercollegiate Athletics Fee, Health Services Fee, Technology Fee)
$531.50
per semester

$44.29
per credit hour








About this Entry
1 comment
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Oct. 15th, 2008 @ 02:13 am Dumb Dumb DUMB
Current Mood: high and anxious
Ok I did a few dumb things today. One of the dumbest was inviting Randy over which just made me feel like crap and completley alone. He was the first person to have me feel beautiful about myself and it's just not fair to either of us to have to rehash our failed relationship. He was still insinuating I wanted to get pregnant and it was all my fault for not taking my pills and I was still like "I still love you but I can never be with you, you need another girl" which made us both feel like crap....

The second dumb thing I did was almost as dumb. I smoked pot. I never did before but now I'm paying for it. I can't feel my legs. It's been 6 hours and I can't feel them. I can't really walk. And now everything is like flowers and angels. Still... this is getting annoying. Alice remind me that it's probably the meds I'm on already so great.... When is this gonna end. It was fun now I wanna go home.


The third thing I did was make a date with Chris. I don't like him that way, why should I date him? I don't wanna get his hopes up, I'm just being nice.

The fourth thing was string Matt along, he lives too far away why do I do that to him? He is still one of the nicest guys I know but really 2 hours???

The Fifth thing I did wrong was leading Ali along and not telling him about the pot.

The Sixth thing I did wrong was telling people about the pot, it might subconciously influence them, except I tell them I hate it and it was a big mistake.


And please God, it's me suzy... let this go away please please please.... I don't wanna be a stoned paraplegic for the rest of my life....
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
May. 4th, 2008 @ 05:11 am (no subject)
Current Location: where I want to be
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: birds in spring at 5am
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
I have a very uniquely intense personality and am a completely open and honest person sometimes to a fault. I have never had boundaries which I guess isn’t always a good thing but it’s my thing and I try to make it work for me :)

That said I enjoy making my own rules and never apologizing for being myself.

Oh and I would never hate anyone for expressing an opinion.

Not that I really have to explain myself but I will anyway :

I use my journal/notes as a place to e - dump emotions and try to make sense of it all. I have never had boundaries which I guess isn’t always a good thing but it’s my thing and I try to make it work and work on it.

I put my life out there for all criticisms and critiques - good and bad - just for the endeavor of trying to understand and have real human-connection.


I believe everyone should let themselves be vulnerable and like Angela said vulnerability allows us to have humanity and thereby courage




As for the last entry:

it was a generalization of a circumstance that probably couldn’t be helped.

Oh and yes I am a drama queen, anyone who knows me knows that, yes I *love* being the center of attention – is that a crime?













rest private, comment somewhere to be added! thankx
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
May. 2nd, 2008 @ 10:59 pm musings on a broken heart
Current Mood: despondant lol
How did that happen? I had good karma then it went bad... *sigh*

Anyway this isn't easy. Everyone is treating me weirdly and I don't feel much different. I feel completely coherent. And unless I say something, people think I am too. If I do say anything they give me that

ingratiating smile that is almost a sneer - patronizing, condescending, laughable in its sarcasm... :

"it's ok honey, don't worry, everything is gonna be fine... *you crazy person*"

Do they think I don't notice anything? It's not exactly a nervous expression so much as it is a superior one.

I've also notice not only will no one take me seriously, no one will listen to anything I say. Everything I say and do for the rest of my life will be written off because of it,

I seriously wish sometimes I wasn't this sane, it would make my life soooo much easier if I didn't know this shit was going down.

















I think... no, I know, I'm jealous of people that are healthy. I guess it's normal. I'm jealous of people that can go to college without stopping or go full time to school. Or have more than 2 semesters completed in 3 years... Of people who have jobs. Who have cars. Who have a drivers license - what I wouldn't kill for one of those... someday...

I think that is why I'm so sarcastic/cynical without even meaning to be. I'm just so frustrated it's killing me.















This wasn't supposed to happen y'kno. 8th grade I was doing great, top in Math and Earth Science in the School and I believe number 7 in my class. Even High School wasn't *that* bad. 1st Semester of College Was Amazing. I was top in the SATs, independent, happy...

I wasn't supposed to have at least 2 close friends become afraid of me and never really talk to me again

I wasn't supposed to not be able to drive for years

I wasn't supposed to take 8 medications 12 pills a day for the rest of my life

I wasn't supposed to have serious liver problems at age 20

I wasn't supposed to be a college freshman at 21

I wasn't supposed to... to... lose someone who was like... everyone it seems sometimes, in some ways... I've lost everyone. Oh I have 2 or 3 friends and that's all you need but- damn.
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Apr. 27th, 2008 @ 05:38 pm whoa
Current Mood: ?
Current Music: Kodacrome
Some conversation I've had:

"Dad you are catholic right?"

D: of course

Me: and Hitler killed a lot of Catholics?

D: well

M: So why did he do that?

D: (as if clarifying an intellectual point) well they were Polish, so it negates the fact they were Catholics

M: (thinks *really what can you say to that?*) oh...*changes subject*


_____________________________________


Me: I can't believe that the race for president takes 2 years

Mom: (serious I think) Well that's good, that means poor people can't run

M: ...

____________________________________________________________

M: What's for dinner Mom?

Mom: Quiche

M: oh what kind?

Mom: (again serious) Spinach and yogurt

M: ?

Mom: It's the same as sour cream

M: ...

_________________________________________________________________________


why?
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Apr. 21st, 2008 @ 01:25 am Jesus Stole My Wallet - Truth
Current Mood: wow
Now it's 4/20 and I live in Camden, NY... I'm 21 years old and I've never even taken a whatever on a regular everyday cigarette... I never really wanted to, but today those facts really hit me....

Now I was president of Reality Check (anti smoking advertisement)
A DARE graduate
and in SADD, oh and TATF secretary and team captain occasionally

Anyway today I decided to be bad - But Jesus Robbed Me (no joke - this is true)


I decided I wanted to do something kinda bad but I didn't want to smoke Pot or get drunk. So I decided to buy cigarettes. I've never smoked but I'm 21 and it's legal. The only thing was I didn't want to give money to a tobacco company and I was very sure I'd get sick and at least not stop coughing. Plus I probably couldn't smoke more than a 1 if that so I'd be paying like 5 dollars for nothing, I couldn't take them home.

-So first I had Katlyn there- who is like my little sister and who really looks up to me. I couldn't do that, but then she left.

-Then it was Jimmy at the counter selling things. Ok he was like my little brother and to me he will always be 14 - I couldn't buy it from him...

-So I went to Fastrac, and there was a little kid there. I couldn't buy it front of the little kid although I'm sure his parents probably smoke. I just couldn't.

-Now I know I had my ID. I saw it yesterday, I showed it to Katelyn a half hour before, and I checked that I had it 3 minutes ago. The coast is clear.

I go up the counter and I ask "Newports" (I seriously just said the first thing I saw) and I looked for my ID and it was GONE. So I was like "I'll just get them later I guess". And walked out... (Damn being 21 but looking 16)

I have looked everywhere - that thing vaporized. It's a semi new purse with absolutely no holes, what happened to it? It's not in the house either...

I kept hearing in my head (before it disappeared) "and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil - deliver us Lord from all evil and keep us safe in your day"

Only later did I remember it's Sunday.

Oh yea and the first thing I saw on our rented copy of No Country For Old Men was an anti-Tobacco ad.


So 6 things happened today that I'm pretty sure the little angel on my shoulder finally beat the shit out of the little devil and threw her out the ear hole.
About this Entry
1 comment
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Apr. 21st, 2008 @ 01:17 am Cont.
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: God is a DJ
"Hello this is your guardian angel speaking..."

"Hi yes I'd just like to ask for good health for myself and my family"

"oooh... I'm so sorry, we have you down for the Job plan"


My mom and me said it would be great to make someone think their possessed. Just like call up like idk a fuel oil company and pretend to talk normal and in the middle of it just like start growling. Have a few people on different numbers do the same the thing to the same person that day...
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Apr. 21st, 2008 @ 01:01 am Music Therpy (for Dad and Uncle Jim)
Current Music: see above
Shes taking her time making up
The reasons

To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smile
And the look in their eyes
Everyones got a theory about the
"Bitter One"


Theyre saying mamma never loved her much
And daddy never keeps
*in touch*
Thats why she shies away from
Human affection


She cant remember a time when she
Felt needed

And crimes that were never defined
Shes saying love is like a
Barren Place
And reaching out for human faith is
Is like a journey I just dont have a
Map for
So babys gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that shes hanging
All her hopes on the stars
_______________________________________________

I see, the blood all over your hands

Does it make you feel... more like a

man?


Was it all, just a part of your plan?
The pistol's shakin' in my hands
And all I hear is the sound

I love you,
I hate you,
I can't get around you!


_______________________________________


What did her daddy do?
What did he put you through?

He jacked the little bitty baby
The man has got to be insane


She said 'cause nobody believes me
The man was such a sleeze
He ain't never gonna be the same

____________________________________________


She must have done something wrong tonight


I hear a scream, from down the hall
Amazing she can even talk at all


Just tell the nurse, you slipped and fell
It starts to sting as it starts to swell


Father's a name you haven't earned yet
You're just a child with a temper
Haven't you heard "Don't hit a lady"?
Kickin' your ass would be a pleasure

_______________________________________________

Sometimes I want to rip out your throat,

Daddy


For all those things you said that were mean.

Gonna make you just as vulnerable

as


I


was,


... Daddy



What's that say about me?

Gonna rip your heart out
- the way you did mine,

Daddy.
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Apr. 20th, 2008 @ 02:50 am Phone God
"Hello you have reached Heaven...

For requests please press 1
For thanksgiving please press 2
For complaints please press 3
For all other matters please press 4


*presses 1*

Hello, I'm sorry all angels are now busy, please stay on the line. Your call will be answered in the order it was received."

"Hello you have reached God's answering machine

If you want to know how many angels can dance on a head of a pin please press 1

If you would like King David to sing you a psalm please press 2

If you would like to know if any of your relatives here please press 3 then enter the date of their death and listen for the following list

If you would like to know what we think about politics please hang up and listen for the following laughter

If you would like to make reservations please press J-O-H-N 3-1-6

If you would like to know more about Dinosaurs/Evolutions/Meaning of Life please wait till you get here"


That was about his total homily...
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Apr. 20th, 2008 @ 02:40 am Om mani padme om...
Current Mood: weird
Current Music: Eagles (oh wait...)
I made another grown man cry today. I just met him too! What is wrong with me, I don't even mean to or realize I'm doing anything... lol

People think he might be on something but really what would anyone take to make them cry all the time? why?

I seem to have this wonderful ability to completely destruct someone's persona with one remark and uncover all of their horrible secrets/faults without ever even trying... I'd be a great public school teacher :)

Anyway I'm getting a tattoo. Not there, it doesn't look that hygienic no offense, I mean it's cheap but um no. I'm thinking a water lily of some kind, since Susan means Lily in Hebrew and my initials are SEA. I want it not exactly on the back of my neck but a little off to the side.

I went to Church today. Father Herne was filling in for Carlos. He was odd lol, his homily was a 6 minute joke about God's answering service and he kept staring at me and he winked at me (seriously). He is like 60 and a Catholic Father. Well it could be much worse... at least I'm an adult woman...
About this Entry
2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Apr. 19th, 2008 @ 01:41 pm I cannot give or feel or even try...
Current Mood: cynical
Current Music: Men at Work
She said, "I cannot cry
And I cannot give or feel or even try"
And her voice was hard and cold
Then her sweet young face looked old
And I whispered, "Sometimes love is only sleeping"



Well I went to Leatherheads. It wasn't bad, but so not worth $8. Maybe 2... but there were cute guys so alright I'll pay *sigh*. I don't understand why all these guys just suddenly started flirting at me (yes at me). I mean I was with my Dad who is 64 and I was in sweatpants but whatever. And love how they just change personalities in front of me. Are they like pod people?

*acting like a (semi)normal human being*
Guy: "Hey why don't you refill the..."

*pod person emerges*

Guy: "oh... Hi there"


???

Apparently I was being talked up by Freddie Washington circa 1976...


I caught myself trying to dumb things down for people again- I was like "What are you insinuating?" *oops* "I mean... huh?" lol, 4 syllable words are waaaaaay too complicated for central NY.



Oh yea and my Dad was acting up again yesterday, but not long enough for me to say anything. I just sat there and cried, I have no idea why. But it just put me in a very "don't mess with me today" mood.
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Apr. 14th, 2008 @ 12:27 am Catholic Pep Talk
Current Mood: cynical
Current Music: Metallica something or other
So I went to confession and said how I'm kinda not happy that I'm not sick and that no one knows or really cares whats wrong.

He said I need to be patient. And that patient means to suffer. Because human suffering keeps Jesus alive in the world today. I <3 Catholic Pep Talks.

The Pope is coming to NYC tomorrow. Fucking Nazi lol. I never believed in the papacy (especially this one) but whatever. I still consider myself Catholic though I have no idea why. I love God I guess.

I think I brought porno into church. She looked like she was praying ... until... I noticed... the bondage. I'm so going to hell lmao.



I'm really angry at Ciera. Not that she isn't talking to me I don't give a flying fuck about that. I'm pissed that now what she did is affecting MY life now- cause like 5 times a week I have to lie to her family's (her terminally ill 70 year old grandmothers) face(es). They keep asking me when she is coming back and I have to give them false hope. She's not going to. She never is. I know her - trust me it's never gonna happen, at least what way they are expecting and/or want. So now she is Pissing ME off that I and messing with MY life. She might hit them up for money or inheritance one day but thats about it. And they are asking me if like what book she would like to read to change her mind - !!!!!! I am so #@@$% yea, what am I gonna say? seriously? Now they've like adopted me which is cool because they're really really nice but it makes it just that much harder...


I'm on the Board of Directors for CAST - a new Acting Troupe in Camden. I want to produce/direct or something like that but probably assistant/associate etc. ect.


Not much happening this week I go to Lowville on Wednesday, and get a blood test (AGAIN). oh and Alice is here tonight.
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Apr. 11th, 2008 @ 04:55 am quiz


You Are 48% Evil



You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side.

Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.













You're a Part Time Maneater



While you're not a black widow, you've definitely left a few guys feeling used and abused.

You're only out for fun, but sometimes you get a little carried away with your flirting.

Cute guys tend to make you lose control. You really can't help it!

You're a good girl at heart... you just can't help but let your bad girl side out sometimes!









You Have Your PhD in Men



You understand men almost better than anyone.

You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well.

Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful.






You Don't Have a Boyfriend Because You are Too Forward



No doubt that you've got game

Just a little too much game for some guys

Maybe it's just that some men like a challenge

Or they think they're not challenging enough for you!






You Are Upper Class



Class isn't always about money, and you've at least got the brains, manners, and interests of an upper class person.

You don't have a trashy bone in your body, and you don't pretend to be someone you're not.

You're comfortable with your station in life, and class issues don't really bother you.

The finest things in life are within your reach, and you're comfortable enjoying them.



You may end up: A business leader, corporate lawyer, or philanthropist



Other people who share your class: Bill Gates, Oprah, former world leaders like Bill Clinton, and those reclusive billionaires no one ever talks about.






You Are a Smart American



You know a lot about US history, and you're opinions are probably well informed.

Congratulations on bucking stereotypes. Now go show some foreigners how smart Americans can be.






You Are a Total Brainiac



You're amazingly brilliant. Some would even say genius.

You're curious, thoughtful, analytical, and confident.



You take on difficult subjects because you want to... not because you have to.

No field of knowledge is too complicated or intimidating for you.



You've got the brains to do anything you want.

It's possible you end up doing everything you want.

About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Apr. 11th, 2008 @ 03:26 am Trauma Survivors
Current Mood: scizotypal
Current Music: Video Killed the Radio Star
Today I joined a group called Trauma Survivors in Lowville. 2 Hours in car really messed up my back majorly today but I think and hope it was worth it.

I was invited there by Kim Cavanaugh from NRCIL. She is basically a peer supporter (also really really a very cool person) but has very much been involved in a lot of things with Psych Support. She said me and her would be the only me and her that were actually trauma survivors there. So yea I was like ok... a Trauma Survivors group with out many Trauma Survivors... But I decided to check it out.

So I turns out there are 2 other members besides me and Kim. A therapist and another mental health worker. I didn't really say much since I really didn't know what to. They basically just sit around and talk about planning community outreach which I think is cool not exactly what I was expecting but I love community service.

Anyway I told them how I wanted to get my doctorate in Psychology and I had been accepted to just about every college I wanted to get into and how I'm doing really well in college except I took a semester off right now. I also told them I have 5 really bad psychiatric diagnosis es.

And how everyone thinks ppl with that many problems think I shouldn't be able to go to any college or ever have a job let alone an actual successful career. But then again alot of ppl who have seen my x-rays say I shouldn't be walking either.


I just refuse to let anyone tell me what I can and can not do.


That in reality an be an advantage or a disadvantage I guess but I try to use it to my advantage.
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Apr. 9th, 2008 @ 12:29 am There is nothing safe in this world
Current Mood: forgiving
"There is nothing safe in this world babe
there is nothing sure in this world"

Billy Idol White Wedding

I was going to journal how angry I was but now I'm not. I was really really pissed off at a certain party but I think I understand now and really all I want to do now is give them a hug.

I realized we are just in really different places at the moment. I'm like:

there is nothing you have in your control really ultimately it's all up to God. I mean I believe in free will but sometimes it seems to us mere mortals like it's all chaos. Of course I'm one of those weird people who loves change and actually thrives on it. Yes we do exist lol.

Although I'm not perfect about having some mental illnesses I have come to terms with and the fact that I have them is not bothering me currently. I realize this is probably one of the scariest subjects for people though because they think of themselves sometimes as a mind/thoughts. The "I think therefore I am" principle. Gotta love that French guy Des Cartes. I'm much more into feelings/emotions because I believe the heart is the window to the soul.
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link